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wolfsmilk: (sullen)
[personal profile] wolfsmilk
"It might be good for you if our feelings were the way you want them, but I don't want them that way now. I feel remote from such things. Why won't you leave me alone? In your feelings, you come following me everywhere. There's no point in your pursuing my feelings where they are now."

"In other words, I'm a hindrance to your work."

"That's right. Or rather than you being the hindrance, your feelings that keep coming after me without understanding anything are the hindrance. I don't understand why you have to cling to my feelings when I'm working...Be more unconcerned, will you? Unconcerned. If you will be light-hearted in your feelings, then I can devote myself with an easy mind to my work. You're following me all over the place. I can't take it any longer."

"I don't really understand what you say at all. I don't feel as if I've clung to you the least little bit. But now that you say I have, I feel as if I had too. And seeing that of late I've been absolutely unable to feel light-hearted, perhaps what you say is true. Even so, what shall I do? And even if I can understand for a while, I don't have the least bit of faith that I can become like that."

"Don't bother me any more. You are you. Do whatever you want. I am I. I don't want to negotiate with you on the basis of that kind of feeling. If you do it a little more, I'm going off somewhere to be alone and do my work...I might just tell you I was going for a walk and not come back for six months or a year. That would be good."

My patience gone, I looked right at [her] with eyes full of malevolence as I said this. I really thought it would be good.

"..." Her face going slightly pale, [she] silently gazed into my face.

"I just don't understand. I seem to understand, but I don't."

"If you don't understand, you don't understand. Fine."


"How would it be if you were a little more lively? Just because I get excited, there's no need to be all nervous and timid...gloomy and disagreeable. It's curious how when I come out of the doldrums you hold back. Cheer up a little. When I say I want some quiet, you don't have to go around in fear and trembling."

"I've just lost all my self-confidence. If I say this sort of thing, perhaps I'll be scolded again, but I've lost my bearings...I don't know what I should do...lately I've had the unbearable, lonely sense that we're all oddly separate - you are you, I am I...What has happened? Perhaps I'm having a nervous breakdown."

"Just when I've gotten some energy back, it's a nuisance to have you say that kind of thing. I can't be bothered with that kind of thing. Isn't it good that I am I and you are you? It's only to be expected that when I'm immersed in my work you aren't able to be with me. If you go on as usual, that will be good. When you put on that strangely depressed face, I get angry just as much as I get excited."

"I'm happy too that you've become absorbed in your work. But although it would be good if this were so without anything else, there's just been one unpleasant thing after another. I'm somewhat floored by it all. It would be good if it were, once our feelings had completely healed, but somehow I feel as if I weren't over..."

"It might be good for you if our feelings were the way you want them, but I don't want them that way now. I feel remote from such things. Why won't you leave me alone? In your feelings, you come following me everywhere. There's no point in your pursuing my feelings where they are now. Nothing says that any couple have to be together in their feelings all the time. Katsumi Nori, now, was a Japanese of the old school. When he took ship for America, he told his wife he was just going to see someone off and went all the way to America. He wasn't acting on a whim, either. Back in those days, a sea voyage was a perilous affair. He did the right thing. You, too, when I'm intent on my work, have enough margin in yourself not to meddle with my feelings. It's incredibly annoying."

"In other words, I'm a hindrance to your work."

"That's right. Or rather than you being the hindrance, your feelings that keep coming after me without understanding anything are the hindrance. I don't understand why you have to cling to my feelings when I'm working."

"I don't think I've interfered the least little bit with your work."

"That's what you think, but it comes to the same thing. Be more unconcerned, will you? Unconcerned. If you will be light-hearted in your feelings, then I can devote myself with an easy mind to my work. You're following me all over the place. I can't take it any longer."

"I don't really understand what you say at all. I don't feel as if I've clung to you the least little bit. But now that you say I have, I feel as if I had too. And seeing that of late I've been absolutely unable to feel light-hearted, perhaps what you say is true. Even so, what shall I do? And even if I can understand for a while, I don't have the least bit of faith that I can become like that."

"Don't bother me any more. You are you. Do whatever you want. I am I. I don't want to negotiate with you on the basis of that kind of feeling. If you do it a little more, I'm going off somewhere to be alone and do my work. I'm not Katsumi, but I might just tell you I was going for a walk and not come back for six months or a year. That would be good."

My patience gone, I looked right at [her] with eyes full of malevolence as I said this. I really thought it would be good.

"..." Her face going slightly pale, [she] silently gazed into my face.

"I just don't understand. I seem to understand, but I don't."

"If you don't understand, you don't understand. Fine."


---

The time I have spent here was spent because I thought, I knew, someday something or someone beautiful, pure, good would emerge from it. One day I would lift up my head and it would be light all around me. Until then, I sat hunched over, licking my knife.

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February 2016

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