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Sep. 13th, 2008

wolfsmilk: (sullen)
"It might be good for you if our feelings were the way you want them, but I don't want them that way now. I feel remote from such things. Why won't you leave me alone? In your feelings, you come following me everywhere. There's no point in your pursuing my feelings where they are now."

"In other words, I'm a hindrance to your work."

"That's right. Or rather than you being the hindrance, your feelings that keep coming after me without understanding anything are the hindrance. I don't understand why you have to cling to my feelings when I'm working...Be more unconcerned, will you? Unconcerned. If you will be light-hearted in your feelings, then I can devote myself with an easy mind to my work. You're following me all over the place. I can't take it any longer."

"I don't really understand what you say at all. I don't feel as if I've clung to you the least little bit. But now that you say I have, I feel as if I had too. And seeing that of late I've been absolutely unable to feel light-hearted, perhaps what you say is true. Even so, what shall I do? And even if I can understand for a while, I don't have the least bit of faith that I can become like that."

"Don't bother me any more. You are you. Do whatever you want. I am I. I don't want to negotiate with you on the basis of that kind of feeling. If you do it a little more, I'm going off somewhere to be alone and do my work...I might just tell you I was going for a walk and not come back for six months or a year. That would be good."

My patience gone, I looked right at [her] with eyes full of malevolence as I said this. I really thought it would be good.

"..." Her face going slightly pale, [she] silently gazed into my face.

"I just don't understand. I seem to understand, but I don't."

"If you don't understand, you don't understand. Fine."

in t. )


The time I have spent here was spent because I thought, I knew, someday something or someone beautiful, pure, good would emerge from it. One day I would lift up my head and it would be light all around me. Until then, I sat hunched over, licking my knife.


wolfsmilk: (Default)

February 2016

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